| Kids can get in the way of a solid marriage. That | | | | eat and enjoy yourselves. Some of this fear may |
| may seem like an outrageous statement, but it's | | | | have more to do with you than the kids; they |
| true. Kids take a lot of our time, energy, | | | | may forget you're gone, and that would mean, |
| resources and attention. It's become far too easy | | | | what..? They get along fine without you? This is a |
| for adults in a marital relationship to divert their | | | | very good thing. It means you're doing your job, |
| energies to soccer and softball and sailing classes, | | | | which is to make them independent. |
| to the detriment of marital sharing, and | | | | Don't try to be their best friend. We've all heard |
| schmoozing and stealing away for time with each | | | | this before, but this attitude actually confuses kids |
| other. | | | | who expect us to be the adults, because, guess |
| I love kids. Kids are great. But when two grown | | | | what, they're not ready to be. Despite our |
| people lavish more time on two little people than | | | | feelings of proximity to our kids, the fawning and |
| they do on each other there's a problem. There | | | | doting we do over them, our necessary discipline |
| are so many diversions these days that even kids | | | | and separation tells them better that we love |
| must be overwhelmed. If the tykes aren't off at | | | | them, because it makes them feel sturdier on |
| Little League, or soccer practice, they're begging | | | | their own. Also, some parents, sadly, use the kids |
| for a ride to the mall, or demanding our attention | | | | as a wedge between each other, seeking allies in |
| to the latest Wii exercise. And we're too easy | | | | whatever current marital crisis may be happening. |
| with those demands; we give in, fearing, I | | | | This may be the best reason of all to separate |
| suppose, that our children will turn away from us, | | | | from your kids; the children of an unhappy couple |
| or dislike us because we make our own demand | | | | sense every fragment of tension, and seeking |
| for time by ourselves. | | | | their affirmation for one or the other side of |
| How big is the problem? According to an | | | | things frightens them. |
| eight-year study of 218 couples, ninety percent of | | | | Especially when the kids are very young, be clear |
| the couples experienced a decrease in marital | | | | about who does what in the marriage. Tasks at |
| satisfaction once the first child was born, says | | | | home increase measurably after kids come along. |
| Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology | | | | Knowing who does dishes, takes out the trash, |
| at Denver University. Ninety percent is a lot. The | | | | pays the bills and fixes meals is a great stress |
| study cited above didn't even include the addition | | | | reliever. Speaking of which, try preparing meals |
| of a second or third child to the mix. In these | | | | together - after the kids are asleep. This is a |
| stressful economic times it's easy to see that | | | | great substitute for that date you may not be |
| more kids would only increase the stress and | | | | able to afford. |
| chaos in any household. | | | | It's difficult enough these days to care for each |
| So what to do? Here are a few tips for making | | | | other, let alone the little people, too. But having |
| (or remaking) the blissful, stress-free home you | | | | the kids see us care for each other, nurturing the |
| once had, before the kids came along. | | | | marriage, and treating our union for what it is, the |
| That weekly date is more important than ever. | | | | primary element in the family, won't disappoint our |
| Too many couples fear leaving their kids with a | | | | kids. Quite the contrary, it will give them a great |
| sitter or relative, thinking the little ones will suffer | | | | deal of comfort, knowing we're sticking together, |
| some kind of abandonment. This fear isn't backed | | | | making a solid home for them. Kids can easily get |
| up by any evidence, regardless of how young the | | | | between two people; when they see us close |
| child may be. The other side of this story is that | | | | ranks to protect them, they understand how |
| you, the parents, always come home, and that | | | | important they are, that we'd keep them in a |
| reassures the child, and shows them they're | | | | place reserved only for them, a place we know |
| separate from you, so a good thing. Go out to | | | | they're safe. |